RESOLUTION
Impeaching just about Everybody for high crimes and misdemeanors according to
the judgment of me:
Resolved, that Everybody is hereby impeached for high crimes and
misdemeanors against the United States of America and that the following articles of
impeachment be exhibited to the US senate:
ARTICLE 1
In their conduct surrounding the Lewinsky scandal, Everybody, in full
violation of their inherent responsibility to behave in a dignified manner as civilized
members of the human race did willfully engage in behavior degrading to the ethical
standards of the United States of America and the entire planet.
ARTICLE 2
In their conduct surrounding the Lewinsky scandal, Everybody, in complete
disregard for the necessity of civil discourse in a cooperative society did endeavor to
act in a way more befitting a colony of gorillas rather than fully evolved human beings.
ARTICLE 3
In their conduct surrounding the Lewinsky scandal, Everybody did further
bring shame upon themselves through embarrassingly narcissistic self indulgence,
reprehensible individual misconduct, irresponsible rhetorical excess, and unbounded
personal hypocrisy which did serve to bring disrepute to the United States of America and
all of mankind.
Resolved that, for purposes of specificity, these articles, having been approved
by me on this date, are hereby to be applied to everybody, especially, but
not limited to, the following individuals:
Bill Clinton, Ken Starr, Monica Lewinsky, Hillary Clinton, Paula Jones, Linda Tripp,
Lucianne Goldberg, Gennifer Flowers, Richard Mellon Scaife, David Kendall, Chelsea
Clinton, Betty Curry, Andrew Johnson, The Republican Congress, The Democratic Minority,
The House, The Senate, The Right, The Left, the Middle, The Center, The Judicial Branch,
The Legislative Branch, the Executive Branch, The Supreme Court, The 9th
circuit court, The Secret Service, The CIA, The FBI, Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston, Tom
Delay, Henry Hyde, Al Gore, Janet Reno, Trent Lott , Mike McCurry, Paul Begala, Mary
Matalin, James Carville, Lanny Davis, Mandy Grunwald, Ann Lewis, Dan Burton, George
Stephanopolous, Ralph Reed, Sara Carpenter McMillian, Sidney Blumenthal, , Barney Frank,
Dick Morris, Craig Livingstone, that Bob Barr guy, Vince Foster, Jerry Falwell, Rush
Limbaugh, Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, Katie Couric, Matt Lauer,
Larry King, Matt Drudge, Keith Olberman, Geraldo Rivera, Chris Matthews, Bill Mahr, George
Will, William Bennett, Charles Grodin, Don Imus, Jay Leno, CBS,NBC,ABC, MSNBC, CNN, CNBC,
CBN, PBS, Court TV, Fox News, The Cartoon Network, Comedy Central, National Public Radio,
60 Minutes, Dateline, Nightline, 20\20, "Politically Incorrect",
"Hardball", "Meet the Press" "Firing Line", "The
O’Reilly Factor", "Ally McBeal", "Saturday Night Live",
Time, Newsweek, US News and World Report, The National Enquirer, The Weekly Standard, The
American Spectator, The National Review, Vanity Fair, George Magazine, Salon Magazine, Mad
Magazine, The Wasington Post, The New York Times, The Internet, The National Organization
For Women, The People for the American Way, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, People For The
Ethical Treatment of Animals, Act Up, The ACLU, The NRA, Gerry Spence, Marcia Clark, O.J.
Simpson, Johnnie Cochrane, Lance Ito, Allen Dershowitz, Rosa Lopez, The Christian
Coalition, the Anti-defamation League, the Jewish Defense League, the National Football
League, Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Saddam Hussein, Marv Albert, the cast of "Friends"
Jane Doe # 5, Les Kinsolving, Cesar Romero, Marilyn Manson, the alternative media, The
Neilson Family, The Information Superhighway, Ellen Degeneres, Charlton Heston, Alec
Baldwin, "Hannity and Colmes", "Evans and Novak", Woodward and
Bernstein, Calvin and Hobbes, Doonesbury, The Republican Right, The Christian Right, the
radical Right, the far right, the extreme Right, The Liberal Left, the old Left, the
radical left, the progressive left, Muslim fundamentalists, bleeding heart liberals, angry
white males, The Congressional Black Caucus, The Polls, the print media, the broadcast
media, big labor, upper management, Hollywood, the media elite, The Vast Right Wing
Conspiracy, the common man, the general public, the average american, the silent majority,
the likely voter, John Q. Public, the heartland, The Global Village, the melting pot, The
Beautiful Mosaic, The Founding Fathers, corporate America, the rule of law, the political
process, parliamentary procedure, common decency, political decorum, religious conviction,
the sex police, the secret police, the military industrial complex, all carbon based life,
The Constitution, the Magna Carta, The Mayflower Compact, the 10 Commandments, the Code Of
Hammurabai, The 7 dwarves, The 3 Stooges, Buddy the Dog, Sox the Cat, Bubbles the Chimp,
Shamu The Killer Whale, Francis the Talking Mule, "Elephi The Cat With the High
IQ", Matilda the Boxing Kangaroo, the National Bar Association, the Jones Attorneys,
The Clinton Attorneys, the Starr attorneys, all attorneys, anyone currently serving as an
attorney, anyone who has ever BEEN an attorney, anyone thinking of BECOMING an attorney,
anyone who has ever HIRED an attorney, anybody who KNOWS anybody who has ever USED an
attorney and finally……..last but not least …….the person most
responsible for this entire mess……………….. that ape at the
beginning of "2001: A Space Odyssey" for picking up that bone and starting us on
the road to this so-called "civilized" society! Impeach the Ape!
